Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Find a penny pick it up, and all day long you'll have significantly raised the odds of contracting a bacterial ailment.

   Reading old messages, and wondering where it went wrong.

   Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?

   I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.

   My secret special ingredient herb for my stuffing is, Marijuana. . .

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That's somebody's daughter.

   Thank you for the insprational quotes, but back to the funny.

   I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

   What if somebody finds the missing plane tomorrow but no one believes them because April fools....?

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

   In hell, you actually look like the first selfie you take.

   Forecast calls for thunderstorms in Europe today. France surrenders...

   The new iPhone's are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. Here's an idea. If your phone bends too much, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.

   "Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.