Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never tell anyone about your problems-90% don't care about them, 8% are glad you have them, and the remaining 2% will charge you 200$ or more an hour to listen to them"

   Charlie Sheen wants 10 million for a tell all book.....or a kilo of blow.

   FACEBOOK asks me what I'm thinking, TWITTER asks me what I'm doing, FOURSQUARE asks me where I am. Conclusion: Internet is my girlfriend!

   Karma is fair - you will get what you give.

   Find a penny pick it up, and all day long you'll have significantly raised the odds of contracting a bacterial ailment.

   Reading old messages, and wondering where it went wrong.

   If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Don't concern yourself with how I got in your house.

   My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

   Kate Middleton & Prince William have finally come out with their baby & to everyone's surprise, it looks exactly like every other newborn.

   I'm not saying she was ugly, but the dog had to close his eyes just to hump her leg

   "Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds"~~John Lennon....world's worst Clue player

   Hurricane Tip: If you get stung by a wind flung jellyfish have a friend pee on you, ASAP......

   Just turned a dollar into two. Now arguing with lady at lotto stand as to why I can't have my pic on their "Wall of winners"

   My Bucket List : #1. Rock down to "Electric-Avenue" #2. then take it higher..................(that's all I've got so far)

   "Final Destination 5"... well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.

   FACEBOOK; exposing the idiots among us since September 26, 2006.

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   Manti Teo and the 40 yard dash in 4.8 2 seconds he said he would have ran it faster if he wasn't carrying his girlfriend

   Basketball. Pfft. Running back and forth. Making passes. Dribbling. I do that every Friday night.