Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Since Kanye wants to write a song named 'I Am God' I wanna see him bring his dead mother back to life again.

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

   what a night it was.. I did the fox-trot, cha-cha, galop, paso-doble, and even the zapateado!!... I must of stepped on 5 damned leggo's on my way to the bathroom last night

   Q. What's the differance between a French girl and a sea lion? A. One has a mustaches and stinks of fish and the other live's in the sea.

   Wind: Not a fan.

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.

   If you ever have to choose between a large Weevil and a small Weevil,, take the smaller one... Cause, you know,,, It's the lesser of two weevils.

   I was once in a band called The Stepchildren. A lot of people pretended to like us.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   Thanks to push-up bras and low cut shorts, I can now get to 2nd base w/ your girlfriend just by looking at her FB profile pic.

   My girlfriend was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   I don't need to watch TNT for drama, I have Facebook.

   Just came from the doctor. Got high score on the blood pressure machine. Doctor wouldn't high five me. Jerk.

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses

   I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.

   If the Pillsbury Doughboy goes outside on a really really hot day, does he turn into a biscuit??

   Pancake Day already? That's crêped up on us.

   To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.