Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear 11 year olds on Facebook, it's complicated? Really? What did he do, steal your animal crackers?

   Apparently "white privilege" doesn't include getting to pick out a koala and just take it home from the zoo.

   I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.

   I'm working on a plan to meet every one of my friends in person this year. I'm calling it the all-in-persons project.

   I wonder if the first guy who used the pickup line “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together” is the same guy who invented the qwerty keyboard...

   Read somewhere that there are 32 accepted spellings for Ghadafi. May I also suggest "K'Daffy."

   If I put half as much effort into my relationships as I put into charging my phone I might not die alone...

   They don't miss you when you're gone . . they miss you when you move on

   "I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini.

   people will damn believe anything if you whisper it.

   This may be the wine talking but... "Help! He's drinking me.., he's drinking me!"

   Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever.

   I hate it when teachers say, “You think it's funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn't I wouldn't be laughing…

   In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...

   I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

   firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!

   When you judge someone, it doesn't define who they are, it define who you are.

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.