Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to start doing things WITH further ado......... Take that, ado haters.

   They say your sex drive decreases with age. Yes, I may do less driving, but now I get better mileage.

   If you are my girlfriend and you are too broke to buy me anything special for Valentine's, a cooked meal and you for desert will suffice.

   In Canada, we don't divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" we just call it "liking different hockey teams"

   the difference between rain in india and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. in india the road disappears in 5 minutes

   Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.

   Will you be my girlfriend? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   Sex is a lot like air..You don't realize how bad you need it until you don't have it.

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left it

   dont drink n park..accidents cause people!!!

   Little known fact of the day: Did you know that the little dot above the "i" and "j" is called a tittle

   Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

   I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!

   I hate when people tell you their life story against your will. I think it's a form of low level rape.

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   wonders how exactly does one wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy?

   knows it's foggy and late in the day, but I'm pretty sure there's a unicorn behind me.

   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

   If you're not living on the edge,you're taking up too much space.