Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of isle 6...

   If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.

   My toenails taste different. Hope I'm not sick...

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   What do you call an Oklahoma farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ;)

   Went to the dog park today,and I stepped in a pile of Islam.

   Some Leaders say: "Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions." God says: "Bring me your problems, I AM your solution!"

   See even Don Cornelius is sick of Black History month.

   Why don't witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom.

   When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   I was about to beat up a toddler until I saw everyone's cartoon Facebook pics and got an overwhelming urge to stop.

   Grammer is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

   has not lost his mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.

   is Loading ████████████ 99%

   hey you..............yes you....................stop staring at my status you perv

   Africans finally have the chance to tell the English to go back to their own country!

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.