Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard Steve Harvey is a presenter at the Oscars this year, maybe Leonardo Dicaprio can win one for a few minutes.

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.

   For ten dollars I’ll engrave your status on a brick and throw it at you.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   Nice try Sonic but I'm sure that the dude in the commercial isn't really trying to impress the ladies

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   I do marathons (on Netflix).

   What a coincidence! Your wife is my soulmate too!

   My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.

   People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   "It was consensual, the crab legs wanted to be stolen"~~Jamies Winston's attorney...

   Two do list: -Do -Do

   If by exercise you mean grabbing my phone out of my pocket every two minutes then yes I exercise a lot.

   20 years ago today the famous OJ Simpson white Bronco chase. As you know he would later be found not guilty in a Calafornia court of murder...Ironically.... He wakes up this morning in JAIL !!! Gotta love Karma!!!

   I Google-Earthed your house...... You're out of toilet paper.

   To All My Ex's Out There, you can block my Facebook, you can delete my number but you can never unsuck my genitals. Have a good day!!!

   Who named the walkie talkie and why isn’t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?

   Bud Light; new can, same sucky beer...

   I don't want to be the creepy old guy. I mean, I am, but I don't want to be.