Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If HRC is elected as President, they will rename "Air Force One" to "Broomstick One."

   Written within the Bible there are no "Black" or "White" Churches because the Messiah did not come to save "Skin" .... He came to save Souls.

   Reagan's shooter, John Hinckley Jr., to be released, I assume it's just in case Trump gets elected.

   A week of Conservative attacks against Bill Clinton's character and sexual indiscretions has me convinced Bill Clinton won't win this election.

   I love how I don't have to watch the weather channel, I just sign onto Facebook and check the latest status updates.

   I have mosquito bites on my feet and I'm thinking the knee is probably the easiest point of amputation.

   Sex is like Pizza... even when it's bad it's still pretty good.

   I always poop on a regular basis, so I'm not sure what this "Activia Challenge" is going to accomplish. It could unleash horrors the likes of which mankind has never witnessed. See you on the other side...

   How is lindsay lohan ever gonna find a good woman when she is jail? wait....... this might just work out.

   I love to whisper in a woman's ear. Not because I'm romantic, but because I don't want other people to hear me lying.

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me

   Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

   Friday...the dirty librarian of the days of the week...she starts out all respectable but by 11 o'clock you know some crazy sh#ts going down...

   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   I would like to thank Benny Hill for turning me on to British humor and all natural Breast when I was a kid... Still funny and still awesome!!!

   Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

   I'd just like to thank my clothes for taking themselves off in the middle of the night when it's too hot, without even waking me up. Job well done.

   i love it when some little 8 year-old is cursing and yelling at me on call of duty and then his mom is in the backgorund telling him to go to bed.

   relationship status will changed from "married" to " It's complicated " about once a month.. I love my wife....