Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had..

   If you're homophobic, it's important to remember that they're more afraid of you than you are of them

   Todays my Grandmas birthday, but she doesnt have a cell phone for me to text or a facebook wall for me to write on, what do I do?

   While your at camp for deer season, I'm out hunting the beaver you left behind.

   Wirtten on Hand dryer in Airport: Press & wait for a message from the President.

   it too much to ask that the ATM spit out an extra $20 every now and again?

   Deleting your facebook is like running away from home. `You`re just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour`.

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...

   If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and a woman doesn't hear him, is he still wrong?

   I used a sta tus I stole from here that had 8 L IKES, but on my page it only got 2 L IKES. Can I get a refund?

   I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer.

   A woman with big boobs will never truly know if she's actually interesting.

   So the electric motor on our ceiling fan went out. We had a old blender that was about to be a yard sale item so I modified it and rigged it on the ceiling fan. Now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   just saw barbie sitting on pinnochio's face screamin "lie you damn puppet, lie!!"

   I've got 99 problems but being black ain't one

   Im not saying all IPhone users are douchbags. I am simply saying all douchbags are IPhone users =)

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.