Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Just got outta the dentist office and they were VERY IMPRESSED with my teeth, that they even made me take a couple of head shot photos........... They called them X-Rays, but I knew what they were getting at.

   decided to become "The silent type." I'd let you know how that works out, but, you know, silence...

   I think I'm gonna wrap myself in a box, label it anywhere and see where I end up. I've always loved to gamble.

   will you please tell your kid to stop looking under my car for the head.. for the last time its not a Transformer

   Flash forward to July 5, 2024 headlines..... 13 years to the day of being found not guilty of the murder of her daughter...Casey Anythony breaks into a Las Vegas hotel, guns drawn to steal back old pictures of when she was a professional club rat! (See OJ

   There should be a weight limit on High Heels!

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

   They are teasing me again on the Food Network!

   I hate those stupid orange juice commercials that make it seem like no matter what happens throughout the day as long as you have some "orange juice" it'll be okay.....

   REALLY don't know what this flys problem is outside smackin up against my window..but I'm sorry...I won't let him in, I don't trust strangers...

   realized that alcohol is not the answer,it just makes you forget the question

   hey if tomorrow is the rapture could one of you atheists stop by and feed my dog? Feel free to help yourself to my prescription pills and booze

   like If you ever Scream at Dora because whatever she's looking for, is right behind her...!!!!

   Saturdays forcast: doomy with chance of rapture..

   I'd f**k your brains out...unfortunately someone beat me to it

   If women made cat calls at men & stared at our crotches, betcha WE wouldn't be offended.

   I'm old enough to know what's right and wrong, but I'm too young to care.

   Your opinion of me DOESNT define who I AM.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.