Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This movie has been formatted from it's original version to fit this screen." How in the Hell do they know how big my TV is?!

   cant decide whether midgets look at St Patricks day as a "payday" or a "dammit! I have to hide in my little house" kinda day.

   You are about as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

   Today, I ask that everyone read my posts in the voice of Forrest Gump.

   Suddenly Oil prices are more intresting than all this hype about Tebow!!!

   Where the hell is easy street?

   It's only a matter of time until The Homeless start accepting Credit Cards.

   I just randomly chose 5 homes and placed "For Sale" "Open House Tonight at 6pm" signs in the front yards. Now I sit and wait for the fun to begin.

   My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

   Telling a cop you are so high you thought you were in London wont get you out of a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road.

   Two silk worms had a race ....they end up in a tie .....(Rimshot)

   sticky cinnamon bun, great snack or awsome stripper name?

   TWILIGHT has pretty much forever ruined the names, Edward, Bella & Jacob.

   I found a 1 dollar bill in the dryer the other day and thought, "I bet this happens to strippers every time."

   Every girl has a unique "mean glare" they do when they're ticked off. Nearly every guy on the other hand, all have the same "are you kidding me?" emotionless expression when they're angry

   Just so we're all clear, "burning rubber" does not mean 2 minutes of safe sex.

   If you call me and I don't answer, it's exactly what you think. I ignored your call.

   I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.

   The ultimate test for a relationship is having arguments and still being able to have amazing sex.

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my Address!