Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "All guys are the same!" Well you should know, You tried them all!!

   Up to this year, there's a reality T.V. show about everything except reality.

   "Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki

   All the places that can be kissed can also be bitten.

   I miss complaining about the summer heat.

   come to think of it...Rosa Parks never called shotgun

   if you wear the #15 jersey while passing out candy to the kiddies tonight, you're allowed to throw the candy 15 feet above the kids heads. This is known as TEBOWING.

   there has been a new law stating that veils are not to be allowed in the workplace. Bee keepers are furious!

   Sorry But I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

   If I were a dog I'd constantly be thinking "Sure. You can pat me. Whatever. Then you can feed me and maybe later you can pick up my poop".

   If I ever run into the Captain of the Costa Concordia, I'm gonna kick him in the gondola!

   Remember, alcohol is way cheaper than therapy.

   I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.

   It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.

   Sometimes I see people and think, "Is your face supposed to be like that?"

   when the therapist asks about your relationship with your parents, just say "non sexual" that will answer them and keep them quiet for $100 an hour!! Well worth the facial expressions.

   FACT: If you keep a crossbow in your home, you're 70% likelier to be shot and/or laughed at by an intruder with a gun.

   I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.

   No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…

   Hey God, Would you please test me to see if I could handle being rich?