Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first guy to blow a vuvuzela at an NFL game will be getting his a$$ kicked.

   I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once.

   wants every ending to be a HAPPY ending ! :-D

   you know my name not my story.

   apprantly I told my dog to go to his room until he was ready to talk, thats how drunk I was.

   You only eat candy corn when there's no other candy to eat.

   If you enjoy wasting time, then is it really time wasted?

   R.E.M. just recorded a new version of their '90s classic "Everybody Hurts" especially for their older fans. New title: "Everything Hurts"

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   And for my next trick, I am gonna make 20 of my FB friends delete and block me in next 10 hours.

   My phone and my stove are arguing about what time it is. This won't end well.

   Big bird is now out of "WITNESS PROTECTION"

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   We all have that family member who thinks they're a professional photographer.

   naughty or nice will always depend on....who's asking.

   How old do I have to be before I get this "Adult super-vision" everybody insists I need..... It sounds freakin incredible.

   I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."

   I don't need a therapist. I already have a bartender.

   My gynocologist needs more windows in this van.

   Thanks to the Chinese people and their stupid superstitious beliefs, our grandchildren are never going to see a live Rhino.