Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yeah I called her up,she thinks I don't listen to her,or something,I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   life is too short for regrets, so stop fighting ur enemies. Just get rid of them altogether. Dead men tell no tales...

   Where there is a Will.............. Put Me In It

   Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.

   constantly amazed at how peoples lips keep moving when they are talking through their arses !!!

   Aspire to inspire before you expire.

   Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you.

   I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like ‘

   Shakeweight...providing practical excercise for ladies since 2009

   The first guy to blow a vuvuzela at an NFL game will be getting his a$$ kicked.

   I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   And for my next trick, I am gonna make 20 of my FB friends delete and block me in next 10 hours.

   My phone and my stove are arguing about what time it is. This won't end well.

   Big bird is now out of "WITNESS PROTECTION"

   You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

   We all have that family member who thinks they're a professional photographer.

   naughty or nice will always depend on....who's asking.

   How old do I have to be before I get this "Adult super-vision" everybody insists I need..... It sounds freakin incredible.

   I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."