Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pot luck means bring a bag of chips right?

   "All guys are the same!" Well you should know, You tried them all!!

   Up to this year, there's a reality T.V. show about everything except reality.

   "Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki

   All the places that can be kissed can also be bitten.

   I miss complaining about the summer heat.

   My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that's when I hired my first hooker.

   Well I don't want to date anyone that's ugly, but I also don't want to date anyone that's stupid. So I'm single.

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   You think your having a bad day until you see someone using a WIC voucher and buying a pregnnancy test at same time.

   "Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.

   Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.

   Does it count as necrophilia if she's just dead inside?

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Drinking hasn't killed me, so it must be making me stronger

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot

   My quest to become a porn star fell a little short...3 inches too short to be exact.

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old