Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?

   Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   My shoes always come untied, so I used my ear buds and they tied themselves in the most complex knot without even touching them!

   It’s impossible to say "I wasn’t talking to you" politely.

   My wife actually questioned whether or not I really listen to her while the TV is on. I can't believe she actually interrupted the game just to tell me that.

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!

   Smiles are contagious.....so is Herpes.

   Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.

   Dear Sony Hackers, So....What can you do about the Kardashians???

   They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye

   50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans

   If you fart in public just yell "Jet Power!" and walk faster.

   Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations?

   Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.

   Note to self......Don't chest bump the elderly.....not a good thing.....trust me on this one...

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.