Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My quest to become a porn star fell a little short...3 inches too short to be exact.

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old

   You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club

   You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what milk to cereal ratio I prefer.

   Kids today.. I swear they just cant figure shi& out on their own. Its like they need a you tube video to show them how to wipe their As%

   *Buys Mega-Millions ticket, waits to be hit by a comet*

   This bottle of red wine is more mature than me!

   There is always that one person that you think about every night before you go to sleep. But for me its not a person, its pizza.

   Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.

   aaand my friends don't think I'm funny anymore.

   Having a bad Day? Remember there are folks who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   So don't come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don't come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?

   Never have Thai food 2x in a row. Its like someone maced your butthole.

   I had 2 Justin Bieber tickets on the front seat of my car, some jacka$$ smashed my window and left 4 more

   In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

   You know, it didn't say anywhere in my Subway contract that I couldn't order off the kid's menu."

   Would a satisfying sleep be known as a 'snoregasm'?

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?

   Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?