Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   The girl who invented the phrase "all guys are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   … you might be gay if you bend over and see 4 balls

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

   You ever catch a glimpse of yourself at the right angle in the mirror, naked and about to get in the shower and think "Damn, I need a picture of that."?

   Religion and morality don't need each other to exist.

   Oh WoW! You've dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Really? How brave!!!.... Now…I'll have a number 3, no cheese, extra Jalapenos and diet Pepsi to go…

   "Look at my face, does it look like I care?" - "Well by looking at your face, God didn't care either"

   's inner child has diaper rash.

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union: It sucks. We're broke. Quit *itching. Goodnight.

   I wonder what a camel thinks of when he looks at his toe...

   Smog from wildfires are creating health concerns for resedents in Moscow. More importantly, it's making it difficult for Sarah Palin to see it from her house.

   Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"

   - Q: What did King Kong say to Rosie O'Donnell? A: "Is it in?"

   If you need space then work at NASA.

   doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

   Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??