Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

   You ever catch a glimpse of yourself at the right angle in the mirror, naked and about to get in the shower and think "Damn, I need a picture of that."?

   I use to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   "Imma let you finish, Lamar, but Whitney Houston had the best naked on cocaine death ever". - Kanye West

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   Religion and morality don't need each other to exist.

   Oh WoW! You've dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Really? How brave!!!.... Now…I'll have a number 3, no cheese, extra Jalapenos and diet Pepsi to go…

   "Look at my face, does it look like I care?" - "Well by looking at your face, God didn't care either"

   's inner child has diaper rash.

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union: It sucks. We're broke. Quit *itching. Goodnight.

   I wonder what a camel thinks of when he looks at his toe...

   Smog from wildfires are creating health concerns for resedents in Moscow. More importantly, it's making it difficult for Sarah Palin to see it from her house.

   Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"

   - Q: What did King Kong say to Rosie O'Donnell? A: "Is it in?"

   Awww! Isn't that sweet. Everyone's so in love... excuse me while I regurgitate.

   If you need space then work at NASA.

   doesn't have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

   I can't wait to embark on this wonderfully mysterious, enchantingly romantic journey with you. The entire trip. All the way from, "Hello".....to...... "WTF JUDGE! THE HOUSE, THE CAR, AND PERMANENT ALIMONY TOO????"