Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.

   I'm developing an app that locates se x offenders near you. It's really just a directory of churches, but it's pretty accurate.

   going to the store. Do you want anything?

   word of the day: Dictate. You can use it in a sentence like "My girfriend says my dictate good"

   Everybody should have a friend who stutters... its like having your own personal dj...

   Pro tip: women do not want to hear an apology while you're still inside their sister. Take it out first.

   You "seen" a guy? It's embarrassing what America is turning into.

   A huge sink-hole opened up and swallowed a Florida redneck while he was watching TV in his bedroom...If only a few of these were conveniently located under the Whitehouse and Capitol Hill, America might be a better place...Just sayin.

   Does anyone know where I can get a "Don't blame me, I voted for Romney" bumper sticker?

   Cooking pork chops in the toaster

   Did anybody try turning Steve Jobs off and then back on again? That usually works.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.

   I don't like the idea of having to go on in a world where good people like Robin Williams is no longer with us, but Justin Beiber is still alive and well.

   Since this is the last time for the space shuttle, I think we should all dress up as extras from Planet of the Apes when they land

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   I don't just cross the line, I f*cking set up camp there and get comfortable.

   The girl who invented the phrase "all guys are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   … you might be gay if you bend over and see 4 balls

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.