Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   If it requires pants, its not happening today.

   A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !

   Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.

   Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.

   "Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video

   :What's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre...

   In memory of Whitney Houston, all flags should be lowered a crack..

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?

   A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

   The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.

   If you tell a lie and myth so many times, people will eventually believe it so much that they will actually fight to preserve it. Government and Religious institutions are incredibly crafty at this.

   we had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.