Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   only 4 more days before you all make resolutions you won't keep anyway

   dont ask me about anything thats about to happen last year

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

   The most effective part of bringing my laptop to the coffee shop so I can "work" is the "lying to myself."

   not taking coupons from giant chickens anymore. Not after last time.

   I've just drank Gatorade.. still waiting to sweat colors...

   Interesting Factoid: Tall people earn $789 per year per inch more than shorter people.

   resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. We are facebook.

   I'm not breaking the rules ... I'm just testing their elasticity.

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   i guess Farmville is cool, if your into doing thing with the animals

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   my Halo is held up by my horns

   thinks it is nice when people are at least a little humble, even if it isn't their BEST quality like it is for me.

   looking forward to see the date and clock show 10/10/10 10:09

   facebook should add a b*tchslap otion along with like or dislike option

   If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.

   would like to live the life of a Bachelorette.. you know, date multiple guys and have them all be OK with it.. :0/