Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   When a girl doesn't invite me up to her place after a date I just assume it's because she's a hoarder with 30 kitty cats.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...

   Anyway you can take down the "never on schedule, but always on time." comment

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   Check this one out.........1

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?