Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel

   remembers the first time he had sex – he kept the receipt.

   If we are all part of a greater whole, and all come from the same place, and we are all one and share the same essence…why can't I have sex with my friend's sister without him getting mad at me? She's hot, I wanna get in that…

   -- I lost my watch earlier, I would have looked for it but I just didn't have the time......

   When God created Adam and Eve, did they have belly buttons?

   My son got one of those 'Stop Bullying' wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid!

   Lady Gaga wants her perfume to smell like blood & semen. If I wanna smell blood & semen I’ll punch Clay Aiken in the mouth!

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   And just like that, the left support police officers.

   Trump: " I prefer Coca-Cola " MSNBC: " Trump declares war on the whole Pepsi generation "

   If I ever get a tattoo,I am going to get a grape, that way when I am old,it will be a raisin.

   they should cast Demi as Ashton's girlfriend and rename the show - 'Two and a half decades older'

   Rick Perry should start campaigning in one of those giant foam cowboy hats.

   dear yellow light. challenge accepted!

   I'm not saying your kid is ugly.... I'm just saying you don't have to worry about pedophiles!!!

   My new phones battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie. -_-

   if drinking and driving is illegal, then why the hell do bars have a parking lot?

   laid back...with my mind on my money and my money on my mind

   Study shows 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. Not me, though. I live next door to 2 really hot middle school girls.

   Dear Bible, you forgot to include us in your story. Sincerely, the dinosaurs