Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   I bet nobody can spell Nietzsche correctly without searching it. D'oh

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Silence is golden… unless you have a toddler. Then in that case silence is very very suspiscious.

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters.

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.

   Dont ever tell someone you'll do something when pigs fly........cause cops ride in helicopters now.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   It's depressing how many people don't realize that a terrorist group is a group of people and not an entire nationality.