Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   I bet nobody can spell Nietzsche correctly without searching it. D'oh

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Silence is golden… unless you have a toddler. Then in that case silence is very very suspiscious.

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters.

   if carrots are so good for your eyes, then why are there dead rabbits all over the road?

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

   OMG, you just lied and your pants really are on fire.

   Catholic paramount rule: "If it feels good, it's bad."

   Its been a business doing pleasure with you...

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

   hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.