Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.

   Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.

   When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 2 radio station at the same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!

   "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   In a desperate attempt to get the Republican nomination and to show he would be Hillary's best foe, Dr. Ben Carson changes his last name to Gazi

   Protestors successfully shut down a Trump rally...then they fire guns and start looting. That will only create more support for Trump you ignorant fool protestors.

   My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   Fellas; no amount of money or fame can ever cover up for the disappointment of a small d*ck.

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   The Cosby Show. Where are they now? As far away from Billy Cosby as they can get. . .

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.