Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!

   "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   In a desperate attempt to get the Republican nomination and to show he would be Hillary's best foe, Dr. Ben Carson changes his last name to Gazi

   Protestors successfully shut down a Trump rally...then they fire guns and start looting. That will only create more support for Trump you ignorant fool protestors.

   My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   Fellas; no amount of money or fame can ever cover up for the disappointment of a small d*ck.

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   The Cosby Show. Where are they now? As far away from Billy Cosby as they can get. . .

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   if carrots are so good for your eyes, then why are there dead rabbits all over the road?

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

   OMG, you just lied and your pants really are on fire.

   Catholic paramount rule: "If it feels good, it's bad."

   Its been a business doing pleasure with you...

   So many things remind me of You, mostly when I sit on the toilet.

   Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?