Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 7%.

   Say what you will about him,,, but I think it's pretty cool that Jesus spoke in red letters.

   Maybe its just me but The 'poke' button on Facebook should be replaced with a 'slap' button.

   Wishing everyone Happy Diwali (Festival of Lights) :)

   I Always carry $40,000 cash on me at all times,, You know,, in case I ever feel like getting a sandwich while I'm in the airport.

   Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???

   Divorcees: Because one man's trash is another man's booty.

   You guys see the Casey Anthony video diary yet? I think she's grown. She looks like the kind of person you could start, and then murder a family with.......

   "It's complicated" is Facebook for "he's not hittin' it right."

   roses are grey. tulips are grey. violets are grey. cause I am a dog.

   Instead of playing hard to get, play hard to forget.

   It's not hard finding someone. What is hard is finding someone worth keeping.

   Another sign the world is coming to an end: The Packers are losing and the Colts are winning.

   That education connection girl couldn't have graduated because she is still in low budget commercials.

   You may have come into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood, if you continue to re-p ost this boring sh*t we will guarantee you leave here the same way.

   "No" - Old Irish Proverb

   They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.

   Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.

   When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 2 radio station at the same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.