Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

   Happy Fathers day to all the guys out there... (No not single moms) sorry ladies but you had Mothers Day and you will never replace a man as a dad so stop with the double dipping...

   calling doctor after 4 hour erection

   BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND. Everything has an END, except family.

   dangerously under-medicated

   Only thing Obama tried to fix today was the 2014 elections.....

   Any post that doesn't have to do with Dumbo is simply irrelephant

   'Glee' actually isn't half bad. It's 3/4 bad.

   I would rather trust a billionaire who becomes a politician than a politician who becomes a billionaire.

   what do you call a white man surrounded by 500 black men...."Warden"

   My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.

   Saw this person's photo on Facebook & I thought to myself ” DAMN I'D HIT THAT “……with a truck. “

   Pobody's nerfect. :)

   if a hermaphrodite goes missing, do you put their picture on a carton of Half and Half?

   friends are like boobs...some are real, some are fake...sometimes its hard to tell the real ones from the fake ones

   You get in the biggest fights with the people you care about the most, because they are the relationships you're willing to fight for.

   I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy.

   The famous 39lbs cat named Meow has died... When reached for comment Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid said Meow's death is CLEARLY a result of the Republicans WAR on CATS!

   Gettin really tired of you emotional women on facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep

   I hit a midgets car today. He got out of the car and said, "I am not happy." So I said, "Which one are you?"