Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So aparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing all wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you have your 6 year old knock it over into your lap.

   I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I'm completely fine

   [finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.

   Just answer my question: Is it worth putting pants on for?

   It's not a competition until you both go off your meds

   In a nudist camp, men and women freely air their differences.

   When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   ugh! my new facebook homepage looks like a mug shot photo album now!

   Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   smarter then the averige beare!! ...oh dangit, maybe not

   Playing hide and go seek in walmart... I take mature and classy to whole new levels

   getting into shape; and the shape I have chosen is 'Circle'...all done. And I thought this getting into shape thing was going to be hard.

   glad to hear the penicillin worked. Better luck next time..

   Why do you sterilize needles for lethal injection?

   if ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

   Why do we say sorry even when they bumped into us? It's way funnier when people say "Excuse You" anyways.

   making underwater sculputures of his boss.....oh look, some sinkers some floaters!

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.