Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its funny how some people can talk crap behind your back and then act like they got your back when they see you.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women. It's all about balance.

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   Any good lawyers out there? I just found out that some broad named E.L. James is using me and my life as the inspiration for the main male character in some book she has out, without asking me for permission or giving me any of the proceeds. I'm outraged

   I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   The cashier is wearing a tank top with no bra and instead of my ATM code all I keep typing into the machine is SIDEBOOB.

   I need a new recliner but I don't feel like shopping. Lazy boy...

   I just killed my alarm clock. ~ it was about time

   Thank you back to back Sandals and Trojan commercials for making me feel especially single this evening.

   I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."

   Just sang every word of Adele's "Someone Like You" and all this girl said was "Do you understand why I pulled you over?" Rude.

   I usually dodge becoming a third wheel by saying "I have the Flu''.

   By the time you are old enough to go out and drink on your birthday... People stop putting money in your birthday cards so that you can actually afford to go out!

   Daylight savings during a leap year means I still have 23 hours of day equity left..

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   Checking friendship to see if this person ever wished me a happy birthday. No. Screw them.

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor this without putting down my beer.

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.