Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't really care too much about the new fb update but is there a way to "subscribe" to positive only updates? Filter out the complainers, negative-nancys, shoe-taggers, and crybabies?

   This is just a reminder that your left leg and yo right leg are not at war. Please re-unite them.

   I had a great time fishing with my uncle until he looked up at me and said he's going to show me how to bone a fish.

   Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?

   if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

   How does the man in the moon cut his hair?.........Eclipse it!

   OK, Super Moon has arrived. Not quite what I expected ., it was kinda super. Not Super Duper but yeah.

   If a man tells you he deleted those pictures off is phone....he didn"t delete them.

   My girlfriend told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience. She was wrong though, I found her bald head more of a turn off.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Valentines Day, Aint nobody got time for that!

   Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.

   Did I already do my deja vu joke?

   Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   Jim H. kids: Dad, can we go to Disney World with Uncle Joe?

   My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder… And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking còk.

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”