Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.

   Voting for Hillary because you don't like Trump, is like eating a dog turd because you don't like broccoli....

   Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels

   Valentines Day, Aint nobody got time for that!

   Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.

   Did I already do my deja vu joke?

   Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   Jim H. kids: Dad, can we go to Disney World with Uncle Joe?

   My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder… And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking còk.

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”

   I'm not fat. My stomach is 3D

   Relationship status: DTF

   My wife said "what is wrong with you? You have recorded 17 episodes of Hoarders." I said "I know, don't you see the irony of it, I'm hoarding shows of Hoarding."

   I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook.

   I can't live without: ✔ Food ✔ Music ✔ Oxygen ✔ Water ✔ Internet ❒ You

   teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.