Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

   This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FriSatSun.

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   I wonder if Dr. Huxtable wrote his own prescriptions for roofies?

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   Easter: The day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face.

   I celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

   Did a book report on facebook and passed.

   Call me Goofy...But I will always call "Margarine" "Butter"!!!

   Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.

   Rosie O'Donnell called Donald Trump "mentally unstable." Gee, Rosie. Has one of his children ever run away because of *his* mental instability?

   A lot of people look up to me.....it's nice being tall.

   My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner........But someone let the cat out of the bag

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I remember when I first met her, she was all quiet, shy, innocent and reserved. But now...lets just say, I created a monster.