Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can say "I can't breathe", then technically, you can breathe. Cops know not to fall for that trick.

   If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"

   this cop pulled me over then asked me why I was speeding, I told him I was rushing to the policemen's ball. He looked at me and told me "policemen don't have balls" he smiled and let me go

   Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

   This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FriSatSun.

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   I celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

   Did a book report on facebook and passed.

   Call me Goofy...But I will always call "Margarine" "Butter"!!!

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   Easter: The day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face.

   A lot of people look up to me.....it's nice being tall.

   My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner........But someone let the cat out of the bag

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   I wonder if Dr. Huxtable wrote his own prescriptions for roofies?

   Rosie O'Donnell called Donald Trump "mentally unstable." Gee, Rosie. Has one of his children ever run away because of *his* mental instability?