Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Awww! Isn't that sweet. Everyone's so in love... excuse me while I regurgitate. 
how about a game of "just the tip"??
I would kill the sexiest person on earth but suicide is a crime
Shout out to all the KKK members who have a birthday in Black History month and a birthday on the same day as MLK.
When one person suffers from delusion, it is called insanity.When many people suffer from delusion, it is called religion....
I don't know what's more awkward, Answering Dora, Or sitting there in total silence while she stares at you..
It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.
Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting
Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
If your face doesn't look like a glazed donut ..your doing it wrong.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel
FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers
Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.
True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar
Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.
That awkard moment when you wake up your boyfriend in middle of night to say "stop snoring!!!" and you realize that it's the dog and not him. 