Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?

   Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.

   The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.

   I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

   I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

   If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.

   [Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

   Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

   [Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

   "Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.

   I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.