Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I live in a country where what doesn't kill you, makes off with your TV.

   I've been ignored by better.

   In the grand scheme of things, we don't mean diddly squat. Get over yourself.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ I'm just ready for summer 2013.

   aaron roger and the nfl, how do you like those discount double check refs? signed the real nfl officiating crews

   The new CBA for NFL refs is a win/win for us all, not only will we have professional refs, our footlockers will again be fully staffed!

   You would think that by now there would be rap battle re enactors.

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.... :D

   A friend of mine called herself a geniust....yes your heard right, a geniust. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

   The only productive part of me today is my liver.

   This just in: Notre Dame has made adjustments from last night’s scrimmage and is looking forward to the real game tonight…

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   Well,,, You don’t see as many people in the third world with a ‘slow metabolism’??,,,, do ya!

   I'm trying to save the world from the dangers of alcohol, one drink at a time.

   The idiot in me likes you.

   My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?

   You can stay, but your morals have to go!

   n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?

   How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.