Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dogs are a man's best friend because they don't talk.

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   There is nothing more painful than watching the new girl make the sandwiches at Subways.

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.

   Well, I guess it's time to go apologize to my neighbors...

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   Facebook Myth: Once you post 20 or more selfies, your relationship status automatically changes to, “In a relationship with myself”

   There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.

   I tried to bring sexy back but he was too far gone. I brought pizza back instead.

   When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

   I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   I don't have children; I have hecklers.

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   In the epic battle of good vs evil, politicians are double agents.

   The cats didn't hear me getting myself a snack. I'm a ninja.

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"