Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."

   If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it.

   My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

   I'm currently seeking a corporate sponsor for my retirement.

   If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.

   Women are addicting

   I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...

   Close mindedness is the most abject form of blindness.

   The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   enjoying the sounds of a 2 year old having a meltdown...so soothing

   Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

   I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!

   Manscaping now fully complete!! Waiting on the itching to commence!!

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   In retrospect, I may have spent a little too much time huffing rubber cement in elementary school

   Just rubbed the blue dot from the National Enquirer (fingers crossed).