Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook Myth: Once you post 20 or more selfies, your relationship status automatically changes to, “In a relationship with myself”

   There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.

   I tried to bring sexy back but he was too far gone. I brought pizza back instead.

   When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

   I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   I don't have children; I have hecklers.

   "I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat

   In the epic battle of good vs evil, politicians are double agents.

   The cats didn't hear me getting myself a snack. I'm a ninja.

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"

   You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap

   This bottle of Ny-Quil tastes like I'm drinking on the job and getting away with it

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I ate 4 of them.

   I was beginning to wonder if the winter's directly before a presidential election year were all warmer than usual due these lie spuing politicians and the amount of hot air hey were expelling.

   In a final selfless gesture, Abe Vigoda will be donating his ear hair to Locks Of Love.

   Rest In Peace Dinosaurs!!! Can"t Believe it 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts.

   Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.