Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.

   I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.

   Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't

   Don't let someone build you, because they will have the power to destroy you whenever they want.

   Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew .NOT TOO SHABBYY!!

   I just cleaned out the fireplace so that "Santa won't get dirty". I did it for my son because I love him, even though he's delusional.

   My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.

   Teacher: 'David, if you have 5 sweets, and Paco asks you for 1 sweet, how many sweets do you have left??' David: '5'

   Those who say they "I slept like a baby" obviously have never had one.

   To you it's copyright infringement, to me it's a remix.

   My 2 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that. :)

   Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.

   We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   Damn.. who isn't pregnant...?

   If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.

   Some girls should NOT be allowed to post on facebook during their bye week.

   KIM KARDASHIAN - The only thing she'd be happy marrying is a mirror - but even then she might be jealous.

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?