Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't be rocking the same pair of jeans for 3 straight days and claim you got SAWG.

   If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap

   All the Auto-Tune in the world will never ever sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.

   named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact Psychopathic Maniac turns 3 tomorrow

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.

   Pretty excited that the Patriots and the Giants are opening for Madonna at the Superbowl

   Want to learn how to beatbox? Just say "boots and cats" over and over again. MIND = BLOWN

   hey ladies, fallin' head over heels in love only happens in your 20's.. After that the best you can hope for is heels over head

   We live on a world where smart people are called nerds and social outcast, and stupid people are the cool ones. And they get all the damn hot chicks.

   Mondays are like sandpaper for the soul.

   you know gas prices are high when they stop the NASCAR race & are waiting for the price to go down before they restart the race

   swears that about a third of my life is spent trying to remember why I have entered a room.

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Dyed all our eggs green, so its officially a Green eggs and ham day

   BREAKING NEWS: Gingrich Quits Race to Join Secret Service

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   If you really cared you wouldn't ignore my text, neglect my feelings and forget my existence.

   You have a super power? That's nice. I'm friends with a pharmacist so my superpower is whatever the hell I want it to be