Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Making love is like making pancakes. When done on one side, flip over to finish.

   Where did you learn how to whisper? In a damn helicopter? Geeez

   Making love is an art form and there is always some guy who doesn't know how to use his paintbrush. And there is always some girl whose canvas has had one too many brushstrokes.

   vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??

   Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   you can add "Found and killed Bin Laden" to the list of things that have happened since the Cubs last won the World Series!!!

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   Tom Brady's balls are under more scrutiny than Ray Rice's fist ever was.

   Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!

   The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

   She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.

   the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season

   Where is Capt HUG A THUG when you need him aka Rev Al Not to sharpton

   Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas. Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   The winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee is awarded an engraved trophy... The loser is given an ingraived plack.

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.