Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Million dollar idea: Combine a vacuum and a Segway.

   At least broken people are interesting. You can't fix boring...

   asked the good folks a the pizza hut to NOT slice my pizza, my diet only allows for one piece!!

   looking to trade a 9x13 Tupperware bowl for a 13x9 Tupperware bowl. The 9x13 is just to long to fit in my Microwave Oven.

   I've got 98 problems, so I need 1 more.

   My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection

   Normal people are the crazy psychos who hide it very well!

   You know I can't stay mad at you masturbation sock!!

   I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.

   That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.

   There is 2 types of ugly girls; the UGLY girls, and the girls with MAKE-UP.

   if people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them

   It looks like my town's Home Depot is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween ,,,,,,, Really?

   What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.

   Fellas: Don't build a new ship out of old wood. Upgrading your woman with plastic surgery doesn't change the fact that her genes are ugly.

   I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

   a man is like a tile floor. lay him right and you can walk on him for 30 years

   People disregard you when they don't want you, but they are quick to acknowledge you when they need your help.

   I'll stop making excuses when other people start taking responsibility for my actions.

   That split second when you are 100% sure ur gunna die after you lean to far back in ur chair