Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   makes a mean cup of coffee! This one just told me I'm not as funny as I think I am.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   Sorry, but I prefer the 8lb, 6 oz prince who wrote "When Doves Cry."

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   What's the difference between a druggist and a drug dealer? One sells drugs LEGALLY. What's the difference between an immigrant who came to the US lawfully, and one who snuck in? One's here LEGALLY. See?

   We are building a fence and I'm gonna make my neighbors pay for it.

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   Melania Trump may have copied Michelle's speech but at least she ain't no man trying to act like a woman.

   ... So Hillary invites the father of the Orlando Gay Nightclub murderer to sit behind her at her rally! Heck ... least she could have done is asked him to wear shades to hide his identity. Hmm REALLY BEGINNING TO QUESTION HER Ability to represent America

   “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin

   Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   Tom Brady's balls are under more scrutiny than Ray Rice's fist ever was.

   Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!

   The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

   She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.

   the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season