Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pitbull's videos = 10% music, 90% porn, 0% hair

   There is 2 types of ugly girls; the UGLY girls, and the girls with MAKE-UP.

   if people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them

   It looks like my town's Home Depot is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween ,,,,,,, Really?

   What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.

   Fellas: Don't build a new ship out of old wood. Upgrading your woman with plastic surgery doesn't change the fact that her genes are ugly.

   I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

   a man is like a tile floor. lay him right and you can walk on him for 30 years

   People disregard you when they don't want you, but they are quick to acknowledge you when they need your help.

   I'll stop making excuses when other people start taking responsibility for my actions.

   That split second when you are 100% sure ur gunna die after you lean to far back in ur chair

   You can't be rocking the same pair of jeans for 3 straight days and claim you got SAWG.

   If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap

   All the Auto-Tune in the world will never ever sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.

   named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact Psychopathic Maniac turns 3 tomorrow

   Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.

   Pretty excited that the Patriots and the Giants are opening for Madonna at the Superbowl

   Want to learn how to beatbox? Just say "boots and cats" over and over again. MIND = BLOWN