Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?

   Bacon: The Duct Tape of the kitchen... it fixes EVERYTHING!

   Doctor: "I have some bad news and some good news." Patient: "Give me the good news first." Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you."

   Why do people add "just sayin" we know you said it because we can read.

   Since we start counting at one, zero is"countless." Therefore, I have slept with countless girls.

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   CALL OF DUTY. Replacing girlfriends since 2003.

   Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!

   Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

   A disturbing new study finds that studies are disturbing.

   Love? No I prefer vodka

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   Found a Jelly Belly in my winter coat from last year. I ate it.

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Hamsters seem pretty dumb when they run in their wheel, don't they. *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* *pause* *scroll* *scroll* *pause*

   Since ISIS/ISIL is now setting up camps within 5 miles of the U.S. border, are they still a "JV squad?"