Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know, "American Pie" ruined it for any kid who really did have an amazing story about band camp.

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

   dumb minds think alike too.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.

   They call me The Beer Whisperer.

   I don't want perfect, I want honesty.

   I heard that "Lincoln" was shot on location...

   Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.

   I wish I loved anything as much as drunk girls love taking pictures.

   Note to the Administrators of PowerBall, I think you should award a prize for not having any of the numbers selected in Wednesdays $579 million drawing! Signed, Not a Fan of Missouri and Arizona

   Hate it when people post complaints on Facebook. Those people are annoying.

   I must need glasses because everywhere I look, people seem to have two faces!

   What's faker than 2 women meeting for the first time?

   If I had known then what I know now I probably would have had another drink.

   "It's been a long day!" ummm unless you live on another planet, our days have been the same for awhile now.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   Kentucky knows three things better then anyone else. Horses, Basketball, and Fried Chicken.

   "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center