Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard that "Lincoln" was shot on location...

   Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.

   I wish I loved anything as much as drunk girls love taking pictures.

   Note to the Administrators of PowerBall, I think you should award a prize for not having any of the numbers selected in Wednesdays $579 million drawing! Signed, Not a Fan of Missouri and Arizona

   Hate it when people post complaints on Facebook. Those people are annoying.

   I must need glasses because everywhere I look, people seem to have two faces!

   What's faker than 2 women meeting for the first time?

   If I had known then what I know now I probably would have had another drink.

   "It's been a long day!" ummm unless you live on another planet, our days have been the same for awhile now.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   Kentucky knows three things better then anyone else. Horses, Basketball, and Fried Chicken.

   "Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome." - Pew Pew Pew Research Center

   Damn you, books on shelves that don't activate a secret door.

   "Hold me." -Grudges

   Why is Monday still a thing?

   I bought my son a pet snake and the salesman said "Be careful those snakes grow up to 20 feet" I said "Shut up...snakes don't grow feet!!!!"

   Don't mind going to work, it's the 8hr wait to go home I hate

   Girl at bar: "I'm the same size I was in college." Me: "Oh, you were a porker back then, too?"

   When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.