Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble

   Dr. Jack Kevorkian can finally get those pesky patient opinion surveys filled out!

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   I bet it takes a female kangaroo forever to find anything in her pouch.

   I would jump in front of train for you ♥ as long as its not moving :D

   : Imagine the great things in a person's character you would miss out on if you limited yourself to a list of things you are looking for in a person.

   Heart breaks are like a broken mirror, you can still put the pieces together, but the cracks will still remain. 

   Father's Day always worries me. I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.

   . You know you're a dad when you get a certified letter in the mail asking you to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show.

   your greatest "Hello" and your hardest "Goodbye"

   172 days, 1 hour and 25 minutes until christmas! But hey, whos counting

   utilizing a fake phone call to avoid being solicited at the pump.

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your ass.

   Ever have one of those days where stopping for 1 beer turns into 5; turns into 12, turns into I haven't seen my family in 4 days?