Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Father's Day always worries me. I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.

   . You know you're a dad when you get a certified letter in the mail asking you to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show.

   your greatest "Hello" and your hardest "Goodbye"

   172 days, 1 hour and 25 minutes until christmas! But hey, whos counting

   utilizing a fake phone call to avoid being solicited at the pump.

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your ass.

   Ever have one of those days where stopping for 1 beer turns into 5; turns into 12, turns into I haven't seen my family in 4 days?

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that's why we have a problem.

   It takes approximately 6 hours for a woman to find a ringing phone in her handbag.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   Music is my Escape from all the Bullsh!t in Life!!!

   I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone.

   Not ALL of B EGO's shtuff is funny, but I've seen quite a few good ones from him. We all bomb once in a while. :)