Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

   Seriously, iPhone...Stop correcting all my 'F#CK"s to "DUCK"s. It makes my Strongly-worded texts sound Cute and Adorable...

   If you're tired of everyone's FB status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status.

   has developed his own H1N1 Vaccine consisting of: NyQuil, Tylenol-3, Vodka, Rohypnol, Benadryl, OxyContin, Spiced Rum and a hint of Lemon. ---Directions: Drink One Full Glass every hour to Remove all Care and Worry about the H1N1 virus.....

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you

   Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.

   I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

   I remember when 69 was just a number..BJ's was just a store.. & doggy style was a way to swim.

   I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to.

   woke up and thought his alarm clock was laughing out loud at him... Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07

   For all of you out there you are so infatuated with Olympic Curling, be sure to check your local listings for the Paint Drying World Championships later this year.

   You can become rich, achieve high social standing, hold multiple degrees, and still be an idiot.

   What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?.........See, sometimes alcohol is the answer