Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm afraid if we keep calling Jeremy Lin an Underdog, his family will eat him.

   Fat Tuesday...or as we call it, 25 days till St Patricks Day

   “Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the duck-billed platypus)

   undecided between Grey Goose or Wild Turkey for Thanksgiving today.

   When Hermione's true love left her, she continued on to help Harry defeat the most powerful wizard of all time. When Bella's true love left her, she curled up in the fetal position for four months, cried, and jumped off a cliff..

   Belle: "My husband is a beast." Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin." Snow White: "My husband leaves me home with 7 little ones." Mermaid: "Mine wants me to use fishnet stockings." Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend i'm asleep." Disney's Desperate Hous

   I remember the days when all my "good stuff" fit in a Sucrets box.

   A snake is a snake, no matter how many times it sheds its skin!

   My mind likes to mess with me just before sleeping. Last night I wondered what if dolls contained lost souls. Sitting there, watching, waiting, thinking....Dolls

   One day, we will all live in the future.

   My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.

   Er, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little bit faster or buy a damn belt.

   My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. what wud you recommend?" "The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.

   Welcome to Facebook, the official home of VANITY.

   You and your rumors have two things in common: you're both fake and you both get around.

   Full Disclosure: I get most of my jokes from a 13 year old Amish kid named Caleb.

   So the City that never sleeps now has a Quarterback that never sleeps with anyone?

   Kiss her hello, kiss her goodbye, and kiss her for any other reason in between.

   just putting some salad bits on my bacon

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?