Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   working as a waiter. The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   The fast food strike is today. I wonder who will get my order wrong now?

   I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"

   Well what'a you know...it's nappy hour!!

   My girlfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and now we hardly have sex.

   WTF Levi's? 36" fall off. 35" sqeeze me in half. It's one damn inch!!

   Oh me? Just sitting around the office explaining Facebook to my Boss...... If anybody asks it's $49.99 to join & I discuss a lot of DIY projects in my status updates.

   The last time I visited a gym , a white guy was the President..

   Thank the powers that you're not here to smell that one.

   My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I'm just glad to be involved.

   Life is like a rubik's cube. It only takes a few wrong turns to scramble it up, but then it takes forever to put things right.

   i went and refilled my prescription for my antidepressants... Because Happy Meals just don't seem to work for me!

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmil, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago.

   Reach for the stars and let your feet leave the ground now. Thanks for 40 years of great memories.

   Well, another family reunion ruined when Grandpa started talking about Grandma's dusty muffin again...

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.

   Happiness in not seeing your enemy's face.