Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.

   Dear Fellow Motorist, When your nosehairs get so long you have a boog flapping in the wind hanging on for dear life that can be seen one lane over, I think it's time to invest in a trimmer. Sincerely, Really Grossed Out

   Does anyone know what the other half of the battle is?

   it "Pets Mart"? Or is it "Pet Smart"?

   When I grew up I cussed so much that for a while I thought that soap was actually one of the four food groups

   Headline: "Police watch for sex trafficking ahead of Super Bowl." I guess the Steelers have finally arrived in Dallas.

   a little disappointed that Egyptians don't walk any different from the rest of us!!!

   No matter what butcher you go to, you will always get a raw deal.

   BBC News: "Ice Cream Company Launches Breast Milk Flavoured Ice Cream". I wonder if they will be doing raspberry nipple.

   Relationships are a winter sport..

   The awkard moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet..

   A wise man once said "_____". Fill in the blanks when you find a wise man.

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   Breaking News: Madonna just adopted Cee Lo

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   remember the good ole days when you only had to worry about creepy white guys trying to eat your face.

   So I was in a banana suit earlier while I was eating a banana. I couldn't decide if it was canabalism or canabananalism.

   I'm not the smartest guy, I don't have a perfect body, and this started out as a status update but is now my suicide note.

   I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com

   The biggest lie I tell myself: I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.