Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calm down straight guys. 9 times out of 10, g ay guys are only staring at you because you look like sh it and we just wanna give you makeover.

   Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?

   America, the land of the free.....unless you're an American!

   June 23, 1860, The U.S. Secret Service was created to arrest counterfeiters. Now the Secret Service also protects the President... isn't this a conflict of interest?

   I wanna slap any man who thinks it's ok to hit a woman and then slap any woman that stays with a man who hits her.

   Some people live one life and Facebook another.

   I'm so gangster, I don't even send an error report to Microsoft when Internet Explorer unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.

   Ok, so now the NFL is posting on NBC at the bottom of the screen "Futbol Americano", is this serious? Did we just fleece all of American culture?

   A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

   I was told it was Breast Awareness Month... sounds like a great thing... but was already fully aware of them...

   First England takes over the news with the Royal Wedding, then America with Osama. I predict a talking kangaroo within the next week...

   The 1st testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 & the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It took 100y to realize the brain is also important

   : My neighbours liked my music so much, the called the cops to come and listen.

   Men dont lie; they just tell you what you want to hear.

   I want to wish all the women out there a Happy International Woman's Day!! I plan on celebrating it by giving money to Charity...and Candy...and Mercedes...and the other one usually on stage 4...

   I have to admit... I've learned quite a bit about Egyptians over the past week... For example, I was very surprised to see how Egyptians really walk.

   Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

   some days, its not even worth chewing through the restraints.

   My parents had a weird perspective on raising me. The day they brought me home from the hospital when I was born, they put a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

   I just had a SPIDER try webbing down on me this morning in the shower. Let me tell you, that'll kill a morning wood REAL quick!