Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!

   A friend is someone who borrows your stuff and gives it back. A best friend is someone who has a closet full of your stuff which they don't intend on giving back.

   Do you know what chairs think about all day? Oh great here comes another a**hole.

   Take this Charlie Sheen: Ebay just told me I'm "winning!"

   It's bad enough when a friend says.."Hold my beer while I try this.."..but when your Doctor says that???

   I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism

   Ironically, I gain my very own instant gratification by denying yours.

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   Why the hell do birds wake up so early? They dont have to work, obviously anything they do have to do isnt time sensitive and yet at 5am they're chirping like crazy, honestly I think they just like messin' with us.

   You guys, hear, about these, rogue commas, going around?

   gonna wear his camouflage underwear, to support my troops.

   Some things are meant to be just once in a life time. -Sincerely, One Night Stand

   I have the cape... I make whoosh noises...

   When I was a kid, I never wore my helmet on the special bus, because it impeded my window licking abilities.

   i dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.

   After Watching Jersey Shore I wonder to myself is this all that MTV has Left???

   no matter how you spell Gaddafi , it still spells DENIAL

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.