Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   The Human Brain is remarkable. It is the worlds most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally it forgets all that, like just now, when I went to scratch my eye and punched myself in the face instead.

   I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

   They say if she stayed by your side even when you broke her heart, then she is the one. I say she is the one alright, the one dumbass.

   If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   If your phone didn't get a text, it was me

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   If UGGs made bras, would they be called JUGGs?

   just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!

   I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.

   Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care.

   Sometimes,people aren't always who they seem to be and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought ...

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom

   Here's to the moments when we throw caution out of the window, cross our fingers and hoped for the best.

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.

   Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.