Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   North Korea is retiring all size 3 women's shoes and size 87 sunglasses in honor of Kim Jong Il's death.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example

   thinking about how I'm going to pop the question and I think I'm going to do it in a simple manner and ask with a straight face "So hunny...what's for dinner?"

   Ladies: If I hit on you please don't panic, I am a bachelor and that's what bachelors do.

   Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman Priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"

   Wife playing Words With Friends: "How is SLUT not a word?"

   Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.

   Oh, your boyfriend has swag? That`ll pay your bills in 10 years.

   I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post.

   I hate when I go to the break room and get held in a hostage conversation.

   Fonzie never wore a safety harness jumping the 14 garbage cans in front of Arnold's or jumping the shark tank. Don't be a Potsie Wallenda, ditch the harness..

   Slut: *Facebook status* describe me with a commercial slogan <3 Me: So easy a caveman could do it.

   I wish farting was a form of expression.

   Women have a problem for every solution.

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   It really sucks seeing a profile pic of two girls and the hot one is always someone else.

   Mr Patel kicked me out of Dunkin donuts for telling customers the healthiest part of a donut was the hole.

   Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are

   I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder.