Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you lost your iphone last night please let me know. Because I need that charger too

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't turn out, just take another shot.

   Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.

   its funny how we all sleep differently. my roommate sleeps on their back. my ex sleeps with everyone. that sort of thing

   Can we make the Presidential election about the issues and not wives and peter size?? Everyone, probably.

   He came hopping out of nowhere... I nearly spilled my beer, while I was driving along texting with the radio cranked up. Suddenly, I seen a flash of gray followed up with a "thump-thump!" Anyway Happy Easter! Sorry if you didn't get anything, my bad.

   The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.

   Sometimes, at the end, I press the "Add 30 Sec" button on the microwave just to show "Swanson's" who's REALLY in charge up in this MoFo!!

   Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.

   Until now I never really thought of pistachios as 'creepy'

   Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

   I was watching Dexter earlier. Man he's come a long way. It's amazing how he kills all those people without his old Laboratory.

   I love Scrooge McDuck for his personality, not his wealth.

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   Somebody asked me if I sleep in my underwear... I answered Depends... probably not the best answer

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

   I ope guys who sag their pants thinking those got SWAG, know that SWAG stands for Sex With Another Guy.

   Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.