Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm

   The best way to get back on your feet, is to miss a car payment.

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.

   All my years of education have boiled down to this… May I take your order?

   I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled, It used to be a leopard

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...