Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i bought my mother in law a tv and furniture for her birthday...you shouldve seen her face when rent a center came and picked it up...yup she hates me

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

   giving my liver a pat on the back, thanks for holding up this weekend

   thinks Facebook needs another relationship status: commitment phobe

   I know Floyd Mayweather likes to dodge but this is ridiculous!

   's steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding.

   3 interviews lined up...woot woot, and they say there's no jobs!

   Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your bf or gf wants 2 leave u, they should give you 2wks notice. There should b severance pay, and b4 they leave u, they should have to find you a temp!!

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!

   as of today I will no longer use "lol" after my comments or posts...I will now use "snicker".

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   so really..what was Meatloaf talking about when he sang he'll do anything for love, but he wont do that?

   dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets for halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at this time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes now anyway

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   cheating is such a harsh word,i prefer "outsourced sexlife"