Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.

   just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house??

   Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin....and muffins are healthy. Your welcome.

   Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

   Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..