Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   I'm self-deprecating but in an amaaaaaazing way.

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   I have a big bottle of hot sauce that lasted longer than 2 Taylor Swift's relationships combined. Less than half left, it can go two more.

   Her: My boss treats me like his servant!! Me: I’m sorry, you deserve better. What’s for dinner?

   Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.

   Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women; that’s why they hate each other.

   When I love, I like to give it my ALL. Same when I don't love.

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days

   The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I'm going to drink tonight.

   when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago

   To do list: Cancel date with Hope Solo.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   NOT the father!

   applied for job at AIG, I heard they get paid!

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN