Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My whole body is saying something but I don't know what it is.

   If stress was a drug I would be high as fuck.

   What comes after the man bun hairstyle? The he-hive!

   Studies show that human being experience feelings of joy when pushing the 'Skip Ad' button.

   Why are people always kicking things to the curb? If you really wanna get rid of something kick it to the middle of the street.

   Thanks to all the different kinds of craft beers my severe alcoholism just seems like a cool neat hobby.

   Women should not have children after 35 . . . Well what I really mean is . . . 35 children are enough!

   "I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   I'm self-deprecating but in an amaaaaaazing way.

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   I have a big bottle of hot sauce that lasted longer than 2 Taylor Swift's relationships combined. Less than half left, it can go two more.

   Her: My boss treats me like his servant!! Me: I’m sorry, you deserve better. What’s for dinner?

   Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.

   Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women; that’s why they hate each other.

   When I love, I like to give it my ALL. Same when I don't love.

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days